I will just be talking about random stuff that i thought about when i cannot fall asleep like right now. I guess im still use to not sleeping early :) First thing i wanna talk about is what i read on stomp just now through my friend posting. It stated that this guy was gonna married his first love after 12 years. So i was thinking for me but it is crazy that if i say i were going to consider having a relationship with my first love. It will never happen i guess she is always her. I like how this guy story goes but then i dont think it  always happen to individual but i believe its true that we tend to compare the current bf/gf  with out first love. Just like someone used to tell me that she always will tend to compare. Is it really that important to compare? Does comparing make you feel more happy? Safe? I dunno i just hate ppl who compares too much. Its just ridiculous that it tend to happen that way. Second thing i thought of was of course golden village. Those memories were always in my head and will just pop out sometimes. You know i have been having hard times trying not to think about it much. But it always happen that way that i will think about it. I just miss everything there ok not really everything. But for me to remember those stuff means its important to me. But things have change there and there are not really much ppl i know there. I just dunno what to do but just feeling sadness. I really wish i could turn back time and let those stuff happen again. Maybe not all the stuff that i want but mostly. I guess thats all i wanna write for now. So goodnight


I am a person really really have a lot of patience and i aint joking about it. For those people who really know me will know about. Im not a person that leave when you make me wait too long but then there must be a god damn reason. For that my ex-girlfriend know how long i waited for her. I really hate it when someone push me to my limit and trust me my limit is not easy to break. For ppl who know it will know how much my limit is. In the past i do cry a lot, i would just say that i have no one that i can talk to and share even in primary school somehow somewhat i knew that  my family will break out eventually one day. And yes like right now its is that way. But the me now i wont say that i never cry. Ppl may look down on me as a person who frequent cry. And for your info im like a girl and i cry  more than a girl. I could cry when a teacher just shout sit down. Im scared. From young whenever my study is not well i get punish. Kneeling down on durain shell? Holding a pail of water for hours?? Get burn by candle. Who gotten it before. And worst my dad hit me with a fucking guitar and the scar is still hear and im not joking and since then i got use to something call 'pain'. Since the first time i get torture like this the second it does not hurt anymore. It created something call hate. Yes i hate my fucking life. Since young, in school i cant even afford to buy a fucking 50 cent noodle to eat. I always think of eating it but since primary 2-5 i haven eaten the canteen noddle before till primary 6. Im that poor and i hate it a lot. I cant afford any shit. In secondary i get to eat here and then but still it was not enough. Just imagine ur dad is earning 4k plus- thats what my mum says. And he just give you 1 dollar a day. This is the pathetic life that i get since young. In ite i get a comment from a girl who ask me what shirt size am i wearing. Yes it is xs and i was half happy and sad. Im underweight because i dont have fucking money to eat alright. Not because i train. but yeah i do train and play basketball like every single day. Another comment that i get was i dont have a fashion sense. And yes u know what i really dont have. I dont have confidence in myself when it comes to wearing of clothes. Cause i dont even have the choice of thing that i wanna get for myself till now. But even so till now i haven touch my own nets card before. Its not like that i dont have but i feel that i dont need that shit anymore. I dont understand whats the point of saving so much money in the bank, Sometimes i really wanna get something impt and i have to get questioned from my parents like a police. Like Why do u need those kind of stuff? Yes im pathetic even now it was my ownself who did something to get some money for myself since i cant work. Im trying to improve my life more and more. And yes im fat now. I admit but i love it. I love that i eaten food that i nvr try be4 and i tried them already. I enjoyed what i have before ns. I will nvr blame those friend who said those kind of stuff because they do not know anything. I only can blame myself from being useless. And right now i have something to make my dreams come true but i dont have the money. Even asking for a one dollar from my mum sometimes its fucking annoying. I wish someday i could success. And yes my dreams are big. I have a lot of things that i want to do. Wishing is no point but thats the onli thing that i can hope. Im waiting for my chance. And to those ppl out there who are older than me and always saying to younger ppl that you mature. Go and fuck yourself like right now. Yeah my parents always think that my big brother is more responsible i will let them be. Since they think that something are always things that he done. Then so be it.